Sharlie's Blog

These things are sent to try me

2008-10-29T20:31:00.002Z

Things had been going so well. Wiffle was generally submissive and with Mr.Boofers on this bridge I was getting poll position in the lap stakes.

That's when "it" arrived. Its name is Millie. It runs around all the time, and climbs over everything. It can't miaow. It goes Maaaaaaaaaa, half the time it does not even open it's mouth when making noises. After an initial challenge it has submitted. But it will never be an aid to the cause. It's not really a proper cat is my conclusion. Evil missions can not afford simpletons on board. I have world domination to plan.

The humans fuss over the noisy article, and it's steal my training equipment, such as the feather stick. Worse still the Wimble has decided to befriend it. I will not have dissension in the ranks. Divide and conquer is my motto. Therefore if the Wizzle dares to enter the same room as Miffle (whatever) I have punished her. The humans really need to get with the program. I was chastised for my leadership techniques. I have demonstrated my authority with some random night time killing cries. The humans have had 3 sleepless nights now. They can't take much more, they will break soon.

Mr.Boofers

2008-02-10T20:29:00.003Z

I've been a little off my game. But operations have now recently been resumed.

Mr.Boofers is no longer in Wales, the furless ones have told me he has gone to Rainbow bridge. This is where we go when our bodies get old and tired and we wait for the furless ones. I asked if I could go and visit him and the furless mother said absolutely not.

It's not the same without him. There is no smell of his tail, or any of his dinner to steal. The furless mother's mother "Nanny" is very sad still.

Operational news: we've been busy. 2 of the 6 grinning imps have been destroyed. Wimble's been warming them up for me, it gives me more time to formulate the UK side of the evil plan.

The infidels from the corner cottage are now increased in number. The furless mother encourages thes stinking furballs much to my chargrin. We have Dolly the plank which I have spoken about, and Twoggy the fluff ball. I will admit he smells good, but I still don't want it in my house. The furless mother feeds him MY dentabits. To teach her a lesson I have regurgitated dinner on the quilt, loudly killed the grinning imp in the middle of the night and scuffed one of Wiffle's poos out of the tray onto the clean washing. I hate to have to resort to this, but it's tough love time. Anyway, now we have infidel No.3, Lady. Lady is white all over and mad as a box of frogs. This cat will not leave me alone. I have boxed her nose and hissed at her but she still wants to kiss me. Why oh Why am I surrounded by these simpletons?

Holiday :)

2007-10-30T21:47:00.000Z

The simple one and I have been on holiday! The furless ones took us to Mr.Boofers house. Mr.Boofers smelled wonderful as always. He is old now, but so wise. Unlike Wimble who wedged herself down the side of the desk for an afternoon. The furless ones left his with the Nanny and Bampi for 2 weeks. It was great, Bampi treated us to mouse with the long tail training all day.

Although it was a wonderful holiday on the day we went back something awful happened. And I am asking for a call to arms. A gap tooth hound named Sensi tried to eat Mr.Boofers. Luckily Boofers skillfully got to the top of a tree away from the slathering tool of a dog. The dog's furless slaves are quite clearly cretins and did nothing to alert Bampi of this. Mr.Boofers was trapped in the tree for 2 and a half hours. I eyed the hound through the window. It looked at me with what can only be described as a vacant expression. However dumb this animal is a mennace. He must be taught a lesson.

We are now back at base camp, and the new duck is well and truely broken in. The numpty Dolly is officially scared of both of us. How chicken is she? She is scared of wimble! Anyway Willow has been breaking in the Bee and the snake. I have been supervising her training from the warmth of the radiator bed. I am not sure what a radiator is but it's warm, and that's good enough for me.

The furless ones invited some other furless ones over, I have seen them before. They brought a thing with them. The furless mother refered to it as a dog, but it was unrecognisable as a dog to me. This chew-owa (whatever) was of no consequence to me, I let it be. The furless mother's friend seemed worried I would eat it (Sophia it was called). puuurrlllease, why would I catch my own food? That's what the furless ones are for. I am the pack leader here!

Willow - The padawan learner!

2007-07-29T16:42:00.000+01:00

My initial thoughts on the simpleton Willow have not been 100% correct. I felt the wiff was not for turning. However after months of intense training she is at last showing some promise. Her "kickies" have become less comic and her quest to chew is borderline impressive. SO far she has munched upon the furless mother's bag and pyjamas. The furless fathers books and papers. And a pillow. Her "mouse with the long tail" training is going well.

Therefore today I allowed her to torture the grinning imp. She did well for her first time. Although I have commented that the backward and forward roles add nothing to her technique and look ridiculous. I batted her head to let her know exactly when she was making a show of herself. The imp appears at bed-time each night. He's not looking too good these days. This gives me great satisfaction.

The infidel Dolly is exactly as I suspected, an imbecile. A few days ago it got itself worked up into a hissing frenzy as it's own reflection. Not just once, but 7 times. I think it might actually not have a brain at all. And don't get me started on it's personal hygiene.

So the morning waking plans for the furless ones have progressed well. I march along the head of the bed to signal to them to get up, and Willow sounds the knockers on the drawers to make sure they are fully awake. We have been chastised, but the furless ones are starting to realise who is in charge. Evil Fred will be proud. Over and out.

A New Infidel

2007-06-08T11:00:00.000+01:00

After 1 year of breaking in the infidel Willow, I am now pleased to announce she has been re-named Pillow. She makes a nice comfy sleeping option. She still stinks. And I still have to remind her who is boss.

The gingerbread man is still in hiding. I know where now, but am unable to liberate it. The furless mother insists he must be kept to a minimum due to his insides coming out. How am I meant to full break the creature if she gives it refuge. I have no time to wait for this grining imp to re-appear and I have begun breaking in the new duck.

I have bigger fish to fry. A new infidel has infiltrated our garden. This one does not come in the house often. It's clearly an idiot. I have warned it off a few times but it keeps coming back. It's wearing a pink collar now, I have mocked it. The furless humans coo over this dollup of lard calling her Dolly. I have tortured the duck in front of her to show my dominance but it does not understand, probably was dropped on it's head as a kitten. Why do the furless ones encourage it so? Don't they know it will end in tears, dippy's (what-ever!) not mine.

2007-03-19T10:47:00.000Z

The insolent creature left has withheld my tortures, and it taunts me still with it's grinning. You would think after the many puncture wounds, slinging and wimble stench it would wain. But no. I tortured him until 4 am Friday, I believe it was close to breaking but the furless ones have given him exile in the drawers by the bed.

To show my disdain I announced the tortuing of the bug in the early hours of the morning. I was ignored. The furless mother told me to "play" with the bug as Auntie Sofie said the bug was on suicude watch after my obvious preference for the gingerbread man. I am not PLAYING. These creatures are being broken in. Evil Fred in New York understands. He has been covering the east coast.

Wizzle needs potty training. I have informed her it is polite to clean one's area after using the tray but the stinking furball still parades around with the occasional klinker. You see what I have to share a raidator bed with? Still I have gleaned some little victories. I have shredded the furless mothers ribbons on her bath robe and stole the furless father's naan bread last night, Mwwwahhh!

New Home

2007-01-16T20:03:00.000Z

The furless ones put all their things in boxes. The imbecile and I spent hours climbing on top of them. However her dismount needs work. It looked painful. The boxes were in aid of us moving house. I forgot what Wimble looked like the day we moved. She spent the whole time in the igloo.

At least we got to go to Wales for Christmas and see Mr.Boofers. He was just as I remembered. Permanantly fluffed up, and smelling of the garden. He does not like me smelling his tail. But it smells so good. Willow was terrified of him, of course. She is also scared of shoes so no suprise there. She fluffed herself up and stared at him. I also discovered something called custard. I was reprimanded for stealing it but it was worth it!

Now we are back the furless ones have been taunting me. They hung a gingerbread man on the door for me, but then chastised me when I asserted my dominance over him. Still I have had my revenge. I absconded with it at midnight last night and slung the insolent creature on the sleeping furless ones. The gingerbread man is now mine. He has been placed in isolation until he learns who is boss. I don't want him and the bug fraternising. And I don't want Wiffle polluting them with her stench.

Sometimes...

2006-10-24T16:36:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when I am asleep I have nice dreams, of smoked Salmon on a bagel or the smell of Boofer’s tail. As I open my eyes all warm and cosy a smell assaults my nose. It’s the Wizzle. She’s stuck her arse in my face again. In those moments between awake and sleep I forget I am forced to live with an idiot lilac point who is scared of envelopes.

She crossed the line last week. She played with MY Bug. She knows that this toy is MINE. I have spent months breaking the bug’s will. Months of carefully designed torture techniques; and she comes in and “pats” it around. For such insolence I attacked her while she slept. But the furless ones chastised ME! I gave them evils but they still cooed over the simple one. Still at 3am on Sunday morning I asserted my dominance over the bug, furless ones and Wimble. I announced the catching of the bug at the top of my lungs. The furless Mum yelled “Sharlie you nut job it’s the middle of the night”.

Ah, my work is done.

2006-08-30T20:57:00.000+01:00

The infidel well and truly has her paws under the table. All hopes of her permanent exile look dashed. So I am resigned to life with Willow. Much to my surprise the lilac point is quite useful. I have on many occasions been saved the bother of walking across the humans heads in the morning to wake them up. The Wizz happily follows my instruction. BUT somehow the humans knew I put her up to it. I think the infidel has been letting more than her gas slip. Which incidentally is worse when it has chicken.

Wimble is warm, that is her one grace. She makes a nice warm pillow when the mood takes me! But I have to thoroughly clean her before I can put my nose that close to her.

I have also been exiled again for biting Wizzle’s leg. I really did not see the furless one in the door. Must be more vigilant.

Winston came in the house the other day. He always comes in and gives it large hissing at me. I usually ignore him and he gets removed. However this time he did not fancy his chances against two of us. Maybe Wimble’s not that bad. What am I saying? She stinks!

Talking of Winston reminds me of Mr.Boofers. I am fairly sure he is a cat. But he is beautiful. The furless one was telling us how we will both be going to see him at the end of the year. Well that Lilac ho better not go presenting her pom poms to him or there will be a shake down. Boofers in MINE.

Sharlie's thoughts for the day!

2006-07-23T21:53:00.000+01:00

The Infidel Willow has taken to following me everywhere now. Everytime I turn around the old goat is there. Crowing at me. Whilst crowing for food it often walks into me. You'd think after a good slap she would learn. But no.

I was pleased to see Wilf (yeah yeah) was exiled for chasing me. Meant one hour of bliss. Unfortunately I was exiled later for no real good reason. She really wanted me to scratch an itch on her head for her with my back feet vigorously.

My point in fact regards Wibble(near enough) being dumb was proved by the bow wearing incident. Myself like any other self respecting cat will bite and kick and remove any demeaning human adornments. Not Wiffle, she sat there purring while the human coo'd. I miaowed loudly all through Top Gear as punishment for the furless ones. Just you wait til 4am tomorrow morning...Mwaaaahhh Mwaahhhh

Sharlie's Blog!

2006-07-11T17:12:00.000+01:00

The infidel Willow is still here. It's been 6 months. Looks like I am stuck with it. I was hoping once her clones went she would to. But to no avail. The humans took her to be spayed. No more clones at least.

The infidel has taken to miawing for attention. Seems to work but very tiresome for me. It's like a performing seal. I tried to explain by with holding behavior the humans find "cute" and only rewarding them with it when they have been very good means more treats. But I have come to the conclusion that Widdle or whatever her name is, is clearly a simpleton.

I have however discovered that letting the imbecile lilac point sit with me in the radiator bed means more dentabits. So I have tolerated it. However today when I was spaging her on the head (in a friendly game of your it) I was exiled. Must remember only to spag Wimble (what EVER) when they are not looking.

Hot Hot Hot

2006-07-03T17:19:00.000+01:00

Phew it's a heatwave and don't I know it. I can't cope. Feel well and truly ill. I miss working in an air conditioned building as this generally saves me from feeling like this!!

Mr.Boofers has not been well. His liver and thyroid are back under control but he's clearly unhappy. He would not eat and his eye keeps reinfecting, what coupled with his arthritis. But that said he has brightened up a bit.

CONGRATULATIONS Pablo Von Halletero! That's Hallett for those who don't speak silly. Paul got a new job at Symbol technologies! They now have 3 Paul's in IT! And Fisher can once again gaze lovingly across the data centre at him!

Steve's birthday soon (& Emma, Neill, Sharlie and Boofers!). So a busy month. See you all in Reading for some boozin if I recover from my heat stroke(seriously stop laughing!)

And we saw Paris Sunday 4 weeks after she left us. She so big! And she could not be loved any more than she is! So have photos of Paris, Moet(Rosko) and Nicole(Katie)!