Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Holiday :)

The simple one and I have been on holiday! The furless ones took us to Mr.Boofers house. Mr.Boofers smelled wonderful as always. He is old now, but so wise. Unlike Wimble who wedged herself down the side of the desk for an afternoon. The furless ones left his with the Nanny and Bampi for 2 weeks. It was great, Bampi treated us to mouse with the long tail training all day.

Although it was a wonderful holiday on the day we went back something awful happened. And I am asking for a call to arms. A gap tooth hound named Sensi tried to eat Mr.Boofers. Luckily Boofers skillfully got to the top of a tree away from the slathering tool of a dog. The dog's furless slaves are quite clearly cretins and did nothing to alert Bampi of this. Mr.Boofers was trapped in the tree for 2 and a half hours. I eyed the hound through the window. It looked at me with what can only be described as a vacant expression. However dumb this animal is a mennace. He must be taught a lesson.

We are now back at base camp, and the new duck is well and truely broken in. The numpty Dolly is officially scared of both of us. How chicken is she? She is scared of wimble! Anyway Willow has been breaking in the Bee and the snake. I have been supervising her training from the warmth of the radiator bed. I am not sure what a radiator is but it's warm, and that's good enough for me.

The furless ones invited some other furless ones over, I have seen them before. They brought a thing with them. The furless mother refered to it as a dog, but it was unrecognisable as a dog to me. This chew-owa (whatever) was of no consequence to me, I let it be. The furless mother's friend seemed worried I would eat it (Sophia it was called). puuurrlllease, why would I catch my own food? That's what the furless ones are for. I am the pack leader here!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Willow - The padawan learner!

My initial thoughts on the simpleton Willow have not been 100% correct. I felt the wiff was not for turning. However after months of intense training she is at last showing some promise. Her "kickies" have become less comic and her quest to chew is borderline impressive. SO far she has munched upon the furless mother's bag and pyjamas. The furless fathers books and papers. And a pillow. Her "mouse with the long tail" training is going well.

Therefore today I allowed her to torture the grinning imp. She did well for her first time. Although I have commented that the backward and forward roles add nothing to her technique and look ridiculous. I batted her head to let her know exactly when she was making a show of herself. The imp appears at bed-time each night. He's not looking too good these days. This gives me great satisfaction.

The infidel Dolly is exactly as I suspected, an imbecile. A few days ago it got itself worked up into a hissing frenzy as it's own reflection. Not just once, but 7 times. I think it might actually not have a brain at all. And don't get me started on it's personal hygiene.

So the morning waking plans for the furless ones have progressed well. I march along the head of the bed to signal to them to get up, and Willow sounds the knockers on the drawers to make sure they are fully awake. We have been chastised, but the furless ones are starting to realise who is in charge. Evil Fred will be proud. Over and out.

Friday, June 08, 2007

A New Infidel

After 1 year of breaking in the infidel Willow, I am now pleased to announce she has been re-named Pillow. She makes a nice comfy sleeping option. She still stinks. And I still have to remind her who is boss.

The gingerbread man is still in hiding. I know where now, but am unable to liberate it. The furless mother insists he must be kept to a minimum due to his insides coming out. How am I meant to full break the creature if she gives it refuge. I have no time to wait for this grining imp to re-appear and I have begun breaking in the new duck.

I have bigger fish to fry. A new infidel has infiltrated our garden. This one does not come in the house often. It's clearly an idiot. I have warned it off a few times but it keeps coming back. It's wearing a pink collar now, I have mocked it. The furless humans coo over this dollup of lard calling her Dolly. I have tortured the duck in front of her to show my dominance but it does not understand, probably was dropped on it's head as a kitten. Why do the furless ones encourage it so? Don't they know it will end in tears, dippy's (what-ever!) not mine.

Monday, March 19, 2007

The insolent creature left has withheld my tortures, and it taunts me still with it's grinning. You would think after the many puncture wounds, slinging and wimble stench it would wain. But no. I tortured him until 4 am Friday, I believe it was close to breaking but the furless ones have given him exile in the drawers by the bed.

To show my disdain I announced the tortuing of the bug in the early hours of the morning. I was ignored. The furless mother told me to "play" with the bug as Auntie Sofie said the bug was on suicude watch after my obvious preference for the gingerbread man. I am not PLAYING. These creatures are being broken in. Evil Fred in New York understands. He has been covering the east coast.

Wizzle needs potty training. I have informed her it is polite to clean one's area after using the tray but the stinking furball still parades around with the occasional klinker. You see what I have to share a raidator bed with? Still I have gleaned some little victories. I have shredded the furless mothers ribbons on her bath robe and stole the furless father's naan bread last night, Mwwwahhh!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

New Home

The furless ones put all their things in boxes. The imbecile and I spent hours climbing on top of them. However her dismount needs work. It looked painful. The boxes were in aid of us moving house. I forgot what Wimble looked like the day we moved. She spent the whole time in the igloo.

At least we got to go to Wales for Christmas and see Mr.Boofers. He was just as I remembered. Permanantly fluffed up, and smelling of the garden. He does not like me smelling his tail. But it smells so good. Willow was terrified of him, of course. She is also scared of shoes so no suprise there. She fluffed herself up and stared at him. I also discovered something called custard. I was reprimanded for stealing it but it was worth it!

Now we are back the furless ones have been taunting me. They hung a gingerbread man on the door for me, but then chastised me when I asserted my dominance over him. Still I have had my revenge. I absconded with it at midnight last night and slung the insolent creature on the sleeping furless ones. The gingerbread man is now mine. He has been placed in isolation until he learns who is boss. I don't want him and the bug fraternising. And I don't want Wiffle polluting them with her stench.